well i got my phone back. and yes, i think the stupidest thing ever to happen to me is me. That i even thought that. oh my god. That i even thought of doing that. o judgement, thou art fled to brutish beasts. oh chris. stop flattering yourself. you're just chris. nothing special.

For My Eyes Only.

Kimberly Chok Sook Kim, THIS is the post for you. But reading it over again, I think I'd better tell you at the beginning that it isn't much.

Kudos. Your letter was a little too much for my eyes. So much that I almost lost myself.

God is great. It's a good thing that i left my phone in Karthi's bag. As for you. I slept on the "what now?" And i woke up from a bad dream. I lay in bed thinking what was to happen. I lay in bed. The day after SPM. Feeling like shit. yea, Kudos.

I decided that I had to talk to you, since you actually didn't reply my break up message, like i told you to, I think I should answer your questions now. But as i thought about what to say. I realized all I had to say were best left unsaid. I think i've not quite cooled down yet for anything. They're the same things I wanted to say even back then, and that's why the only thing I sent u was an sms. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to force you to change. I didn't even want to give any sort of indication on my stand on whether or not YOU had to change. The only right I had if i didn't like it was to not live with it.

So i just shut up. Left. And ran away. Not pick a fight. Not demand for anything. But just left for my sake. I mean, if I'M not happy, why should YOU change? Or why should I ask you to for that matter. If I'm not happy I can just leave, never to inflict any sort of deliberate wound nor accusation in a falling out, but to merely just stay away from trouble.

Well the only thing I have to offer now is closure. My reasons? Because I hate my life. I've been here before over and over again. And the worst part is that I remember. I know you don't. Because what you claim to remember to have happened wasn't really true. This blog. The posts. If you read them again, you would notice that the only reason I kept bringing back the past was to say i told you so. Maybe some part of that vindictive notion was to indirectly imply that I wanted change. That I had been there standing and watching you for so long while i was out of the palings of your concern. Overhearing things that your friends would stop talking about when I came. Well at least they realized it hurt me. That, for that reason, not every accident nor mistake I make be scrutinized and treated with such coldness.

Sometimes it's not the prophetic assumptions that I make but merely what has been going on. The pressure. The heartache. I've been told smack to my face that i wasn't loved thrice. Twice of which were by you. In 2/2 of my relationships there came a time when it was "i don't love you anymore". And in both, I was stupid enough to go on trying- until it was too much to bear.

Isn't it funny and somewhat telling of the situation that every time I distance myself from you, I seem to do better. I know it's not much but honestly, to be free from my rut of being ranked 17th, 18th n 19th in the past 2 years to 6th in the form, i think it's rather explicit, the effects of your presence. Although it might not solely be the implication of your direct actions, It's something about you that causes me to lack the drive or even the authority to control my will to study.

And if you ask why the 5th. Because I meant for it to be something beautiful. A year. sharp. If you'd ask me i think it's something just as cool, in terms of an inevitable death, as dying on your birthday.

That's it. I don't think I can talk about much more now. Because my blood's still cooling down. I don't think I should talk. And if by any chance while reading all that was going through your head was "AND THAT WAS MY FAULT?!?" then i suggest you do the same. Maybe we'll talk about it and have real closure some time in the future.

One last time; i love you

Us.

We've got chemistry. You can deny it all you want but you know it.

Through all these nights prior to everything. You and Me.

History has embedded in my mind that one day, I would instead be saying " We had chemistry"- and I fear it. History has thought me to refrain from such thoughts at such early stages. It's going to destroy everything NOW. It's not good to anticipate. It keeps your mind off the NOW.

I love you.

And I know. I will scrutinize every part of your body with so much attention. One day. Im going to lay my hands on your white skin, your thin body, and someday, i'm going to be thinking of you for hours and hours- of what baffles me about you, about your confusing questions, and my problems with you.

Frankly, I know. That one day, I am going to do you. I am going to do you with such intensity and heart that no part of you will remain untouched. I am going to do you on the table, on the chair, everywhere.

I'm looking forward to it =)

Oh chemistry paper =D

Yes, we have chemistry.

On december 8 2009 =D

Then it's endless freedom =D

oh this doesn't apply for those with the chinese paper coz after "we had chemistry" it'll be "we have chinese"

hahaha oh ambiguity i love thee.

MK Ultra.

How much deception can you take? How many lies will you create? How much longer till you break?

Your mind's about to fall.

You're breaking through. You're breaking through.

We are losing control.

I like to see how your fickle mind change from your stands, by which you debate by with such conviction, such confidence. But don't you see that all your theories, all your rumours, and all your scandals are subject to what i say? How much I want to play with your fickle little heads. Go on, make fun of me, step into my life and just see how much you like being lost and clueless. But yet, you still never fail to throw a comment with such confidence that all you seem like is stupid. All you seem like is stupid to the omniscient. The one who knows everything. The one you want to be. Go on make fun of me. Go on. Because, in my mind, for every wrong impression you have, I scream the word STUPID.

Stay out of my life. I only open up to those important to me. And if it's not enough to say that, I guess I have to point out to your stupid little head that YOU are not important. You're just an irritating little dude. Back off. Maybe i have no right but please do from both parties.

On second thoughts, maybe you should carry on. I enjoy having my little sessions of amusement- of the very same enjoyment i feel when i watch people getting nutshots or falling down on youtube- every time i see you embarrass yourself.

Nutshot.

Red Crescent Society.

Aih imma gonna skip the wordy grievance and just remember the happy things =)

One common question. What's more important; Money or Health?

A simple scenario would be like.. would you spend your time to raise money for the needy, or to organize a health check and blood donation drive? Or to ensure the well being and health of others through the course of this deadly epidemic. Which would u do to help others? Which will be of more help?

That, of course is a predicament in the case of not being able of doing both.

That aside.

happy things happy things happy things. finally succeeded in uploading the slideshow =D

Aaaah success. It's a funny thing.

here it is.

I don't know about you guys but i can't seem to watch the embedded video. So here's the vid if u want can't watch it here.

I love RCS. Really much. No offence.

Rootless Tree.

Let me out, let me out, let me out

I slept at 7.

Gah.

I've gotta do something with this insomnia.

Seriously.

Fcuk youu..